First, I would like to apologize for two things. One being the fact that this post will be the worst one, maybe ever. No graphics, photos, decorations, links, or even proof reading. I am typing this on my iPhone while laying in bed, my husband (snoring) next to me. I just need to write, so welcome to my very raw thoughts while late at night. Second apology, the etiquette series! I have drafts of them all but they’re spotty and incomplete and if you’re anything like me, you’re lucky to even breathe before 10:00pm and if you know us, we are in bed right after. It’s coming! Moving forward…
I have two thoughts that can often become my mindset, both extreme opposites of another. Either I do not deserve this grace of God’s or grace does not deserve me. Either I am too sinful, too messy, too rebellious, too doubtful, too angry, too depressed, too needy, too ugly, too boring, too selfish, too fake, too complicated for grace to apply to me or I am too good, too smart, too cool, too self reliant, too strong, too determined, too jaded, too proud to think that I need grace. Either I am a pure desperate mess or I point fingers at those who are “worse” than me.
Like I said, extremes.
Through this season of life though, I am learning it’s okay to be in the middle. In every area, it’s okay to just listen to God and my heart and not live in extremes. So what does the middle of these two grace thoughts look like?
A very, very important woman in my life, a life changing woman, once said through her own tears and anguish and emotional despair, I am not enough for His love and thank you, God, I DON’T HAVE TO BE.
I don’t have to push myself in such a dark hole, rejecting the idea of mercy and renewal because I don’t see myself as adequate. Because I am not! That’s what the cross is for, to bridge the gap! I don’t have to pretend I’m too good for grace, because my Jesus didn’t exclude me on that dying day!
I am loved by Jesus.
I am not worthy.
I am not enough.
And thank you, Jesus, for taking what I deserve so I don’t have to be.