This is hard for me to write.

But I hope to live a transparent life, genuine, and honest. What is the point of struggling if there is no story? Furthermore, what is the point of having a story if it is only tucked away, never shared?

So I’ll write.

I would imagine if Jesus was sitting across from me in this coffee shop, He would likely just stare at me; I would purse my lips and avoid eye contact. If it could not be avoided, I would stare right back with the most menacing eyes I could muster up. That’s how I feel about Jesus right now.

How could a God that claims to love me so much allow hurt in the world, hurt to me and to those I love? As a Christian, I’ve been asked this before. I’m sure I had an answer then, one that sounded really good. And I’m sure whoever I regurgitated it to had the same thought I have now when I hear it: shut up, you don’t know, and I don’t believe it.

But if I were to guess I choose not to believe it because it doesn’t validate what I DO believe, and what I believe is what Satan tells me. I know this is true for me when I’m going through pain because trusting God provides joy and joy is a fleeting thought right now. I imagine that’s true of everyone who is doubting God.

So how do I believe in something that I don’t trust? How do I hand over my sorrow to something that I blame? How do I throw up my hands in surrender when I’m shaking my fist at God?

Last night, my husband asked me what I was reading and somehow I ended up pouring out my disdain for God through gritted teeth and tears. The he said this: “This will mean nothing to you right now but it will in time. Just because you have rejected God, He has not stopped working on your behalf.”

On my behalf.
For me.
Regardless of me.

While those words were impactful, my heart is till hard towards them. But then a word creeps in. Belief. What is the purpose of belief if it’s easy. Do I only believe in the warm sun during the day? Do I only believe in the refreshment of rain when it’s raining? Is that belief or is that reasoning?

Since when is God about reason and logic? Isn’t He about redemption and love?

Since when should my belief be put on hold because hope isn’t in my grasp? Isn’t trust in God part of all of this?

So I’m brought back to my first question; what is the purpose of suffering without any story? And what is the purpose of a story if it only has an ending?

I must admit to you, I’m still avoiding eye contact with the Jesus who is sitting across from me. I’m still tempted to glare, to try to intimidate GOD and say “how dare you”. I’m still in that place.

But now maybe He is writing, scribbling away, and I’m watching His hand, shutting my mouth, as He writes down a beautiful story. Mine.


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